Adam’s Love Letter To God

He had had been running from a scary fact in his life, an absolutely terrifying realization had entered the deepest most sacred part of his soul: That she was the single most important person in his life. She has been the single most impactful relationship he has ever had. It wasn’t his mom, his sister, or his father. And he wouldn’t have to tell her how much they mean to him. He has tried to understand this deep feeling he’s had about her since the day they met, a day that felt like only a moment ago…and the only way he could explain these feelings was through his words, the most important and vulnerable words he would ever speak, and he wanted to leave her alone long enough so that she knew he meant them with a painful sincerity, a sincerity that he could only show through an act of absolute and pure love. Of pure vulnerability.

He was hard-working, dedicated, intense, stubborn, defensive, tough. He believed these qualities were answers God gave him to take with him on life’s journey, all answers to tests he would face in life: heartache, pain, discomfort. When he faced a problem, which “answer” would he use to fill in this blank space in his life? When he faced heart ache, what answer would he write down. When he felt discomfort, what answer would he choose. When he met a girl at 18 years old, and she showed him love he felt absolutely unworthy to receive, in what way would he convolute and deceive himself that these “answers,” should serve as guards to not trust her love, to not trust her loyalty because he had never seen such pure and uncapped love. That against all logical indications, she loved him anyway. Against his own painful and poisonous words, she braved through what must have been indescribable heartache, and even more painful and apparent rejection. That all she wanted was to be accepted. All she wanted to hear from this boy was, “I choose to love you, I choose you to love forever.” She wanted to feel the words, “Till death do us part,” coarse through his veins and overwhelm his every instinct to protect himself from harm and the most unimaginable heart break he could ever imagine.

One could call these thoughts “answers,” emotional intelligence, grace, passion, friendship, love. Whatever you want to call this awakening within his soul, he could not understand what all this was for, and the timing of it all. When he started to talk about it more deeply, think more intentionally, remove poisonous habits like lust, meaningless distractions, and defensive tendencies, it was as if God slid over to him with a grin and playful wink THE test he had been searching for and said, “Here is what you seek, trust in Me.” And it wasn’t a divorce, not having a home, being poor and hungry, pain or heartache that caused this boy to answer the deepest most sacred questions within himself, but love. And for every revelation he had, every blank space he began to fill in, he fell deeper and deeper in love with her. That against all logical indicators, against words he once spoke out of fear and distrust, he fell deeper in love. He sought these answers anyway, knowing she may be nothing now but a painful lesson, yet, he braved this new path towards true love, and would not go away until she knew how real this was. He felt like he was in a book. A surreal feeling came over him one day…he found his soulmate. He chose his soulmate. And could it have been that simple? He realized love, is the most important decision one will ever make, to love someone every day, “in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer,” there would be no more intimate a decision. No more a decision where vulnerability, objectivity, and selflessness would be more paramount. He realized that these answers he carried within him were not some feeling or fairytale, they were not a sappy love story he heard once, or hollow words said by fluttering hearts standing at an altar, but that they were answers to what he chose them to be answers for. They were answers to his biggest test yet, and nothing more than the deepest and most vulnerable decision he would ever make. One that when made, could not be broken. And she knew this about him. She knew that when he made that decision nothing worldly or otherwise could break that bond, a bond she saw him have with those closest to him, and a bond she so desperately longed for. But she was tired of waiting, tired of being hurt by the man she loved most in the world, and by whom was supposed to protect her. She was tired, and her final act of love was to leave, she knew there was nothing she could say, nothing she could do, other than leave him in the state he had been in for so long, a state he would figure it out in one way or another, loneliness. And he wanted to say thank you. To the person he loved most in the world, the person whom God sent from heaven to show him how to love, he wanted to say thank you. Against all logical indicators, against every instinct within them that protected them before, they loved each other in their own way, and in their own time, and equally powerful and beautiful. And so, he braved this new path for he finally understood God’s words, “Love never fails.” And for that, he could never thank her enough.